Come live in my heart and pay no rent ~手越祐也♥♥♥
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Monday, November 30, 2009
worn out
i'm worn out, physically and emotionally. my eyes are puffy from crying and i've developed a nasty headache too. plus i think my fever came back. my throat hurts and i can't breathe properly bcoz my nose is stuffy. i feel and look utterly ugly. i feel like shit, like i'm in one of the lowest points in my life. you know those times when all your problems came at the same time. maybe coming from jovie's funeral also added to my present mood.
i don't want to think. bcoz when i do i'll just remember how sad i am about the things that happened recently. i don't like to think that we're drifting apart but it seems like we are. i thought i can just take things lightly but at the very beginning i had this gut feeling that this time would come. and i did wish that i was wrong, that was one of the rare times i hated being right. but to my dismay, i was watching her distancing away, bit by bit. she may not have noticed it but i have and every time we talk and i feel she was being pulled into the fandom more, my heart breaks a little. i tried to ignore it whenever i can but there are times when i can't help but get teary-eyed. the thought that we may not be talking to each other in the future scares me so much that i would find myself crying every now and then. i don't blame her. she didn't commit a crime. it's just that she somehow changed before my eyes and it made me feel like i was left alone, until i felt like i was losing her. i was losing a sister, a bestfriend. i'm losing someone i love. i wanna be distracted, that way my mind won't wander off to thoughts of us and where our friendship is heading. it still brings me to tears even after we have talked. it seems like we're just going in circles and not really arriving at any decision, like we're on a standstill, we're stuck. i don't want her to do something she doesn't want bcoz of me. i won't be happy either, knowing that i'm holding her back somehow. i honestly don't know what i want. i don't know what to do. i don't know how to deal with it. i'm in such a loss and most often than not i'd just find myself crying. i just the miss old times. i miss the old her. a lot. but i know we can't always get what we want, so i keep telling myself that's life, i should just accept it. but i'm finding the road to acceptance hard and bumpy. things really are easier said than done.
i keep wondering if i'm the only one stressing over us drifting apart. or maybe she did notice but it wasn't worrying her bcoz she could always find new friends, preferably ones in her new fandom. i'm sure there are plenty out there who aren't half as selfish and childish and emo as me. it'd be a relief, right? she could easily replace or discard me just like with NEWS. that's life, but i can't help being sad nevertheless. if she hates me and doesn't waint to be friends with me anymore, i can't do anything about it. if that happens, what a waste. i've considered her as one of the few people who are really important in my life. why else would i waste my time, thoughts and tears for her. i don't think i have ever cried or been sad over a friend before. this is actually the first time that i have ever been in this kind of situation. my bestfriends here never gave me reason to doubt, to make me feel like i don't matter anymore so maybe i've been pampered in a way. i was the one being checked on when weeks and months would pass and they haven't heard from me. i was the one being asked to come to meetings. i was the one being asked for affection. i know i'm not the best person for a friend. i'm far from perfect. i know i have my shortcomings, lots of them and that i fail as a friend a lot of times but they still love me.i never had to deal with a fallout. it makes me realize now how lucky i am to have my friends, that after all this time they still wanted to be with me despite everything, that no matter what happens i know we'll still be friends.
there was a time when i wasn't as glad as usual to talk to her. i think that was the time when i'm starting to get tired of pretending that everything's okay and i just let myself feel what i want to feel. i think i was half hurt and irritated at first hearing nothing but suju and i thinking to myself that i didn't want to hear any of it. i have also been indifferent in hopes that it would discourage her in spazzing about suju. honestly i don't effin care about them. it's not like i hate suju or anything. i feel like she's betraying me and NEWS in a way everytime and i was being protective of them and being the one hurt for them in return. i didn't want to spazz about NEWS to her bcoz i know she wouldn't have an idea what it was all about, and i'd get disappointed and then i wouldn't feel like talking to her anymore. i didn't wanna read her posts even though i wanted to know how she was doing bcoz i know that it'll be all suju. i'm surprised to find myself being irate and easily upset so it started to scare me. then i was thinking maybe i should stop talking to her for a while. i'm afraid i'd end up being this bitter and hateful person and i don't want to end up like that so i thought it's best if i take a break. but most of all i was sad. talking to her was making me sad more than happy. and that's when i've started wondering about what could happen and when i realized where it might end. it just shocked me. i was going about my everyday my mind kind of floating, wandering, numb. i didn't want the words to sink in bcoz i'm afraid that i'd just break down. i was in denial for months. but everyone has a limit and i'm not the most patient person. i can be mean and evil and bitchy at my worst.
i still don't know what we have accomplished from our talk. i still don't know where we are. i'm sorry for myself and i'm sorry for her that we had to go through this. i know i've hurt her too. how did it come to this? this is torture. i hope this would stop. i wish my tears would stop falling with just the thought of her and everything that we used to be. i'm so tired. i don't want to feel miserable anymore. i don't want to laugh this off. i can't laugh this off. people tell me not to think about it, to smile and cheer up. easier said than done but i'm gonna try. it's not like my problems would be solved even if i cried my eyes out. i just wish i could forget everything for just one day, that way my eyes won't be so puffy and i won't be having splitting headaches. as much as i don't want to, this just really depresses me. i don't really know what to think anymore at this point.
手越祐也の彼女@8:47 PM
Welcome
you have stumbled upon my blog~ the chocoholic's refuge
feel free to wander around...
shout-outs are much appreciated :)
and one more thing,
this is my blog
if you don't like what you see
then GET LOST!
why are you here anyways?
>NewS 大好き!!!
>johnny depp
>tegoshi yuya ♥♥♥♥♥
>テゴマス最高!!!
>purple and green
>chocolates, coffee, cheese
>kpop, jpop, cpop, opm classics, oldies
>dramas/series
>horror flicks
>great danes, rottweilers, yorkies, dachshunds, schnauzers
>halloween & christmas
>eeyore & doraemon
>noona songs
>potatoes & buttered toast
>miniatures
>paper & pens
>susan baker tea
>my lola's leche flan
>sleep overs
>ice cream sandwiches
>tumblers & coasters
>pistachios
>purin
>okonomiyaki
>road trips
>picture books
>paisley & velvet
>candied fruits
>old wives' tales
>mang ambo by larry alcala
>pugad baboy by pmjr
>te-no-ma-shi
>jwebs
>RyoTego
>NewS' Never Ending Wonderful Story dvd
>G3-my partners in crime!
Hates
>worms, maggots, caterpillars, etc.
>rainy days and mondays
>math
>cigarette smoke
>fishbones
>frying fish
>household chores
>my sensitive nose -_-
>waiting
>traffic
>two-faced ppl
>spicy food
>clutter
>being pressured
>crappy service
>shopping
>crowded places
>directions
>too much drama
>sad endings
>monthly periods
>backlogging
>chain letters
>exclusivity and all that shit
>backbiters and rumor-mongers
>being binbou -_-
>my full name
>multi-tasking
>arguments
>my brother XP
>delusional fangirls
>unwanted admirers/suitors/textmates (GRRRR!)
>Tegoshi and RyoTego haters
>blondes
>rumors/tabloids
Wishlist
>'MEMOIRS' philippine release
>TegoMass concert dvd
>a Coraline doll
>harry potter and the deathly hallows
>a series of unfortunate events (complete)
>more neil gaiman books
>the adventures of tin-tin
>my own dika
>new celphone
>jenga and twister games
>revel bars!!! *drools*
>body shop's olive oil
>maltese or yorkie
>electronic dictionary
>the nightmare before christmas merchandise
>JE merchandise
>okaneeeeee~
>lose weight overnight
>mole under left eye
>learn how to play violin/cello
>learn how to bake
>bungee jump
>vacation to japan, thailand, korea
>go to a NewS concert
>my own tegoshi yuya XD
>more ryotego fics
>tegoshi singing nino's niji
>watch:
-itteQ-tegoshi eps
-massu's 'musashi'
-pi's 'byakkotai'
-ie ga tooi-news epi
-kei's high school musical
-kei's 'nurse aoi'
-kisarazu cat's eye
-princess d
+ the nightmare before christmas + harry potter + romeo and juliet + city of angels + now and then + moulin rouge + chocolat + from hell + the neverending story + the labyrinth + a walk to remember + the chocolate factory (willy wonka and charlie versions) + the secret garden + snow white: a tale of terror + great expectations + don juan de marco + napoleon dynamite + sleepover + sleepy hollow + centerstage + the sisterhood of the travelling pants + tuck everlasting + what a girl wants + casper + bourne identity + ocean's eleven + mr. bean + the abyss + deep blue sea + ghost ship + titanic + jurassic park (1,2&3) + resident evil (1,2&3) + the land of the dead + the dawn of the dead + ella enchanted + shrek (1,2&3) + face off + con air + the x-files + coach carter + time machine + the land before time + mulan + hocus pocus + interview with a vampire + practical magic + princess diaries + miss congeniality + queen of the damned + romeo must die + the others + thumbelina + ever after + breakfast at tiffany's + gone with the wind + west side story + bridget joneses diary (1&2) + brokedown palace + darkness falls + valentine + the exorcism of emily rose + witches + the count of monte cristo + shakespeare in love + love actually + the man in the iron mask + four weddings and a funeral + the island of dr. moreau + narnia: the lion, the with, and the wardrobe + the cube + the mummy (1&2) + identity + beetlejuice + frequency + phenomenon + the guru + stardust + pursuit of happyness + stardust + coraline + the lake house + the sorcerer's apprentice +
+ the twins effect + the death curse + hero + the house of flying daggers + crouching tiger, hidden dragon + the curse of the golden flower + infernal affairs (1,2&3) + my sassy girl + il mare + the classic + a millionaire's first love + kawi + koma + the uninvited + vacation (dbsk) + 200 pounds beauty + jenny&juno + one missed call (1,2&3) + the phone + the eye + a tale of two sisters + nana + death note1&2 + six + shutter + lovely complex + kanojo to no tadashii asobikata + chinese odyssey + protege de la rose noire + house of fury + spy dad + diva ah-hey + chinese tall story + new police story + 6AM + ab-normal beauty + battle royale + wishing stairs + the red shoes + shissou/dead run + one missed call 2 + attack on the pin-up boys (suju's movie) + cinderella ni naritai + boys love + kurosagi the movie + calling you + L change the world + koizora + crows zero + cyborg girl + tada, kimi wo aishiteru + 4bia/phobia + phobia 2 + coming soon + liar game: the final stage +
BOOKS
+ harry potter (j.k. rowling) + series of unfortunate events (lemony snickett) + stories of eva luna (isabel allende) + daddy long legs (jean webster) + behind the attic wall (sylvia cassedy) + how stella got her groove back (terry mcmillan) + pet sematary (stephen king) + stardust & coraline (neil gaiman) + robert fulghum books + roald dahl + frances hodgson burnett + grimm brothers + hans christian andersen + memeoirs of a teenage amnesia (gabrielle zevin +)
BOOB TUBE
+ csi las vegas + criminal minds + gilmore girls + supernatural + house m.d. + oprah + will and grace + extreme makeover (home edition) + charmed + joan of arcadia + dark angel + tru calling + angel + monk + the pretender + moonlight + i survived a japanese game show +
<3DRAMAS
+ beautiful days + love letter + winter sonata + my name is kim sam soon + my sassy girl chun-hyang + sweet 18 + meteor garden1&2 + dbsk's banjun drama + full house + goong + hana yori dango + bad family + nobuta wo produce + proposal daisakusen + kurosagi + my boss my hero + dragon zakura + hana yori dango2 + 1 litre of tears + 1 litre of tears sp + gachi baka + papa to musume no nanokakan + hanazakari no kimitachi e + himitsu no hanazono + tsubasa no oreta tenshitachi - season 1 + tsubasa no oreta tenshitachi - season 2 + tantei gakuen Q + liar game + shabake + sore wa totsuzen, arashi no you ni + sugata sanshirou + yukan club + deru toko demashou + lost time life (kei's episode) + waraeru koi wa shitakunai + anego + kakure karakuri + car radio ga owareba + last friends + absolute boyfriend + what's up, fox? + binbou danshi + 14 sai no haha + code blue + ryusei no kizuna + atashinchi no danshi + koishite akuma + buzzer beat + guests of room zero (koyama's & shige's episodes) + orthros no inu + you're beautiful + hidarime tantei eye + troubleman + sunao ni narenakute + loss time life + hyoten +
ANIME
+ fushigi yuugi + master of mosquiton + monster rancher + doraemon + fruits basket + trigun + sugar sugar rune + alice academy + cardcaptor sakura + time quest + ranma 1/2 + lovecom + gravitation + black blood brothers + ouran high host club + yamato nadeshiko shichi henge (the wallflower) + howl's moving castle + spirited away + kimi ni todoke +
UNFAITHFUL
+ chad michael murray + vincent kartheiser + jensen ackles + wentworth miller + james franco + sean faris + joseph fiennes + ewan mcgregor + ethan hawke + drew fuller + christopher gorham + channing tatum + liam aiken + topher grace + dhani lennevald + brad renfro + ralph fiennes + nicolas cage + jason statham + hugh jackman + diego luna + adam garcia + david duchovny + enrique iglesias + will estes + colin firth + dougray scott + antonio sabato jr. + alex o'loughlin + luke grimes +
++ jang woohyuk (h.o.t.) + micky yoochun (dbsk) + kim junghoon + jo insung + lee sangwoo + lee junki + kim jihoon + im joohwan + brian joo (ftts) + tablo (epik high) + t.o.p. (big bang) + attack (trax) + jin taehwa (battle) + kim dongwan (shinhwa) + park jinwoo + kim hyeseong + hyunbin + jang geunseok + wonbin (f.t island) + jung yonghwa (cnblue)
+++ tegoshi yuya + shun oguri + hongo kanata + news + kenichi matsuyama + ryo nishikido (news) + kazunari ninomiya (arashi) + matsuda shota + matsuda ryuhei + kaname jun + yamapi (news)+ tatsuya fujiwara + mizushima hiro + tsubasa imai (t&t) + wakaba ryuuya + hiraoka yuuta + tsukamoto takashi + tamayama tetsuji + yonemura daijiro & yodogawa yoshihiro (question?) + arioka daiki & yamada ryousuke (hey!say!) + ohkura tadayoshi (k8) + nakamaru yuichi (kat-tun) + oshinari shugo + tamaki hiroshi + mukai osamu + koide keisuke + miura haruma + seto koji + nakayama yuma + inohara yoshihiko (v6) +
++++ vanness wu (f4) + edison chen + jay chou + kenny kwan (boyz) + daniel wu + stephen fung + ananda everingham + golf + ray macdonald +
+++++ john lloyd cruz + jc de vera + enchong dee + hideaki torio +
LOVE THE MUSIC OF...
+ the corrs + sarah mclachlan + shawn colvin + michelle branch + selena + mariah carey + lee sooyoung + jewel + aaliyah + craig david + jason mraz + josh groban + boa + dbsk + lene marlin + frou frou + enya + leann rimes + big bang + sung sikyung + sg wannabe + se7en + epik high + clazziquai + loveholic + sugababes + all saints + lara fabian + gregorian chant + vonda shepard + foofighters + green day + rachael lampa + bosson + linda ronstadt + the cranberries + the cardigans + india arie + seal + george michael + lighthouse family + sting + garbage + dc talk + duncan sheik + coldplay + jars of clay + blur + third eye blind + john mayer + fiona apple + spice girls + kelly clarkson + utada hikaru + 'd sound + jim croce + david foster + eric clapton + boyz 2 men + babyface + alison krauss + richard marx + the company + jose mari chan + martine mccutcheon + kathy troccoli + jj lin + dream + honeyz + foj + darius + maksim + aaa + haley bennett + perfume + teddy geiger + yui + shimizu shota + kato miliyah + jyongri + coraline soundtrack +
BEAUTIES
+ nicole kidman + charlize theron + sandra bullock + anne hathaway + alexis bledel + evan rachel wood + amanda bynes + alexa vega + rachel mcadams + uma thurman + leelee sobieski + eliza dushku + emily browning + emma watson + dakota fanning + annasophia robb + alicia morton + kate maberly + mia maestro + jennifer connelly + paz vega + emmanuelle chriqui + hilary duff + marisa tomei + helena bonham carter + amber tamblyn + julia stiles + meredith bishop + thora birch + jessica alba + kristin kreuk + sara paxton + monica keena + katie holmes + marley shelton + camilla bell + angelina jolie + milla jovovich + amanda seyfried +
++ choi jiwoo + song hyegyo + jeon jihyun + son yehjin + goo hyejin + park shinhye + go ara + han jimin + lee yeonhee + bae seulgi (the reds) + ayumi (sugar) + song jihyo + yoon eunhye (baby vox) + han chaeyoung + kim taehee + han jihye + park bom + park heebon (milk) + kim bomi (milk) + chaeyeon + nam sangmi + cats + kara + lina and sunday (csjh) + sunye (wg) + kim ah-jung + uhm hyunkyung + yoo hyunyoung + choi sooyoung + han gain + kim junghwa + go eunah + goo hyesun + jung ryeowon (chakra) + kang junghwa + so yihyun + jo jungrin + kim ok-bin + eunseong + min seohyeon +
+++ nakashima mika + aoi miyazaki + horikita maki + toda erika + aragaki yui + shida mirai + uno misako + ueto aya + ueno juri + kashii yu + ito misaki + maya miki + ayase haruka + karina + narumi riko + kato rosa + naka riisa + esumi makiko + ito yuna + mimura + leah dizon + kiritani mirei + aoi yu +
++++ twins + miriam yeung + angelica lee + jolin tsai + rainie yang + niki chow + race wong + yumiko cheng + isabella leong + joey yung + stephy tang + janice wei vidal + vivian hsu +
+++++ maja salvador + erich gonzales + vaness del moral + jennica garcia +
♥♥♥♥♥
